Learn To Love (Part 4)



There’s not much I can really say from experience on abusive relationships with any measure of authority. I’ve never physically or emotionally abused anyone and no one spiritually to my knowledge. I’ve never used anyone financially, but have made financial mistakes myself. The thing with financially abusive relationships is that if you don’t recognize the mistake and work to correct the mistake you’re destined to make the same mistake again and again. All the while eating away at the confidence and trust in that area of your relationship.

Now the mistakes I’ve made were pretty common, like not abiding by my budget and not demonstrating patience. Fortunately, I’m a quick learner and have made the necessary corrections and beginning to see brighter days ahead instead of the financial dungeon I was in.

The advice that I try to give those who ask is to talk openly about finances. If you have bad credit, say my credit score is a -24. Seriously, just be honest about money. What you have, your responsibilities, your strengths and weaknesses with money. I complain about paying car registration fees each year. I find it ridiculous that I have to pay so much for a sticker to put on my license plate for a year, but I pay it.

Showing that you love someone is more than just emotional, it’s financial too. It’s not the sexiest part of the relationship, but make sure you can handle the business of love, before jumping into any commitments. Show the person you’re with that you love them by paying the bills on time. Speak openly and honestly about what you have to bring to the table. If you make more than the other person, don’t throw that in there face like you’re better than them. You may make more a year, but have more debt in your name, so who’s really better off?

If you don’t mind allow me to say this to the men who are guilty of this. Yes, I know ‘you’re the man’, ‘You’re the king of the castle’, whatever dude. Stop acting like you run things, before you find yourself running back to your Momma crying like some B…aby. Cook breakfast and dinner. Clean-up the kitchen, wash clothes, dust, something. You can’t just come home and turn on ESPN or The Golf Channel and ask “what’s for dinner?” You’re a “grown-ass-man”, if you’re “Da Man” or the “King of your Castle” tell your loved one what you’re preparing to eat or which restaurant we’re going to. After you finish paying the mortgage, phone or electric bill send a little email to your loved one saying “We just paid the mortgage or whatever the bill is.”

Now I understand that some financial abuse stems from unfair practices and predatory products marketed to lure and entice you in. Credit card companies, certain mortgage companies, payday or quick loan sharks are just a few. I understand and sympathize; I’ve been there, done that and got the t-shirt for signing up for the credit card. It’s not worth it. I urge you to resist the temptation and exercise restraint by saying NO.

To quote those three great urban musical philosophers, Bell Biv DeVoe, “you can’t trust a big butt and a smile”, credit cards are “Poison”. 🙂

Anyway, let me make my final points and move towards my conclusion. (Some of you are saying, “Thank God”.)

If I am to always to seek love, truth, consensus I must accept that the fact that I may never completely achieve it. The position I strive to gain is one that seeks the truth, bare witness to the facts and work towards reconciliation. The goal is to never tear down, derogate or enable anyone.

How are we supposed to learn to love in the deepest sense?

Justice, truth, fairness & equality have been discredited by our need to be seen as good, righteous, value oriented and popular, even when our actions are examined they prove otherwise.

When you love you have difficulties remaining silent when people are treated unfairly. It should bother you to witness injustice carried out against innocents. It should convict you to rightly protest against inequality when you honestly learn to love.

Love isn’t accepting any whim or doctrine marketed towards you for temporary social and/or political expediency. Regardless how you’ve experienced it, love is eternal or long lasting.


5 thoughts on “Learn To Love (Part 4)

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  2. Tim … I have appreciated this series (to date), of course (as you know), I’m reading the entire series in one swoop.

    Interesting points about finances. Years ago I recall seeing a study showing that finances were the #1 reason for divorce. I don’t know if that’s still true, but if not, I say it’s still high on the list.

    Within our first year of marriage (many moons ago … actually I have a post soon about that number) …. as I was saying, early in our marriage my wife and I discussed finances around this question: How are we going to use/divide/etc … the money we bring home from two paychecks. We came to an agreement, lived it, and finances have seldom been an issues ever since.

    OH well … onto the others as I attempt to catch up!

    By the way … all is well here.

    1. I wanted to discuss other forms of abuse, but I’ve honestly never hit any one. Well woman. Many many years ago I’ve been in a few fights with guys about mostly stupid stuff. But I’ve made some stupid financial mistakes, but many of us have. I didn’t gamble the mortgage payment or buy a motorcycle with the car payment money. Just buy stuff that we really didn’t need at the time or could have waited to get. I’ve corrected most of that now. Still not rich, but to the point where when I lost my job early last year and was unemployed for 3 weeks, all of our bills still got paid. That was because a budget was in place. Now the going out and extras was cut out for about two months, but let that happen two years earlier and we’ve would have been messed up.

      Hopefully my wife doesn’t read this one, but I think she has an idea that my ultimate goal is to make things so easy that she only pays for the things she wants or minor things. Not there completely, but slowly getting there.

  3. Hi Tim,

    An excellent series to say the least–mere words won’t do your timely piece justice–lots to glean and absorb on the positive side–kudos on yet another round of thought-provoking material/information/concepts, etc…

    Hope all is well. Have a wonderful weekend sir.

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