Why Do You Stay?
By: Timothy Valentine
Would you build a house without planning what foundation its on first?
We give more thought towards inanimate objects than we do the animated ones when it comes to our commitment on it.
When you’re looking to buy a house from the ground up, you take the time to consider the credentials of the builder, contractors and financing company. You research what it takes for you to purchase the house and if you’re smart or aware, what it takes to maintain the house.
- How much will the insurance run, what will it take to heat and cool the home?
- How much will it cost to keep the lights on?
- If you have children, what the schools are like?
- How safe are they?
You do your research?
Why can’t we do that when it comes to our relationships?
We treat our relationships like we’re placing a bet on the roulette table or playing craps; come 7, come 11. 🙂
We rather jump into it and hope for the best. Then wonder why he or she is doing what they’re doing or acting. Communications must be a pillar in any relationship. Without it, you’re bound to find a crack in the foundation eventually.
Consider how much time you need to put in before you and me because we or you say, “I Do” or even “Let’s Move In”?
How effective was the communication?
It’s just a question, nothing to be ashamed of, because we all have found ourselves in relationships that started out perfect like every other relationship, but later on find ourselves asking the question, “What did I miss?” No one is perfect. Those who suggest to you that they are is lying.
Things happen. People do change. Some people do things that the other is unwilling to forgive them for or open to reconciliation with.
Some people suffer with medical issues that alters their personality and behavior to an unacceptable and sometimes dangerous level where the other person truly needs to leave. I’m not talking about those situations.
There are times where a person must consider their own safety or stability over the relationship. There are times that we are so hurt that we can’t see how we can forgive and make the difficult and often heart-breaking decision to leave the relationship. These occasions are unfortunate, but when they occur it requires someone to make a decision for what’s in the best interest of the relationship. That sometimes means ending it.
Although you should forgive, but forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you are required to stay with the person. Reconciliation doesn’t mean you should stay with a person, but you seek to have peace with the situation and with the person if they’re willing. Either way, you are working for peace for yourself.
What I’m speaking about is the times that we jump into relationships that we know are not healthy for us. We do all we can to rationalize it with ourselves and others so that we appear OK, even when we know that you’re not. You know when someone is not right for you, but we stay because we don’t want to be alone, they tell you that they love you in every way, but the way you need to be loved. Why do you stay?
This is question that’s often asked, but it is only able to be answered by the one who is in the situation. They have to overcome the fear, the rejection, the backlash, the consequences of temporary loneliness, the hurt if they plan on answering the question.
If you know ‘have a friend’ in this situation or the friend is you and the question “Why do you stay” has been asked this is what I believe must been done in order to help someone answer this question. I believe you must understand why they stay. Then you know how to effectively help them understand why it may be unhealthy, disfunctional, redeemable or reconcilable. What bias is there against professional counseling? Or if its even needed.
The question that we should ask ourselves is one that we should ask at the beginning, “Why should I go?”
Why should I go into a covenant with someone who disagrees with certain key issues that are important to me?
Why should I go into a relationship with a person who doesn’t believe what I believe, whatever that may be? (Politics, Race, Money, Spirituality or Children)
Why should I go and subject myself to a life of uncertainty? Uncertain if I say the wrong thing it will result in an argument. Uncertain if I ask for help I will be perceived as weak. Uncertain their insecurities will continuously take the best of them and lend them to be overprotective or make me feel isolated.
If we take more time in the beginning of a relationship to see beyond loves infallibilities, perhaps it may lead us to fewer insecurities and greater amenities in our relationships. Then the question never has to be asked, “Why do you stay?”